I'm Confused
This week was a strange one. It brought me to recognize a few things about my limitations and the Lord's ability to exceed them. My inability and the Lord's ability. His infinite knowledge and my finite knowledge, and ultimately his greatness and power over my weaknesses, sin and shortcomings. Let me explain.
I have this young kid in one of my kindergarten classes, which if you have been following along, is one of my favorites. I'm talking about Eddie. He is 5 years old but bigger, stronger, smarter and just generally ahead of everybody in the class. This gave me headaches when I first arrived (my uneducated medical opinion would consider him autistic, but I'm not sure if this is actually true). He would take his color pencil, put it on the ground, and simply crawl around the classroom, drawing circle after circle, corner to corner on the hardwood floor until I was able to lift my head out of the child I was helping to notice I was in a giant red circle. I would turn around too see the guilty party right behind me, pencil in hand, knees on the floor and the line ending right where he was. I would then command him to erase it and he would get possessive about it when others would try to help him. "No, I must erase, go away..............". This happened day in and day out up through the end of July until about August, but over the past few months, I have noticed a complete turn around. He turned from one of my most dreaded students to the one that can brighten my day by just saying hello. The kid has made huge changes and I have a hard time not letting him be my "favorite" in class. He went from not caring about lining up for snack time to wanting to be #1, which may not mean anything to you or I, but this is a big thing for most kindergarteners. You get the picture. I love him.
So when I walked the class that I have with Eddie, I hadn't even gotten through the door when the Korean teacher leaned over to me and mentioned that Eddie will be moving in the middle of October. My face turned pale, and my heart sank.......................This took a few minutes to get over (I'm not kidding) I sat in class sat in the class dumbfounded, not really listening to the kids as I took attendance, but just thinking, Lord, how the heck can you take this child away from me? Have you not seen the progress I have made with him? Do you know what your doing? (I knew the answer to this one) Why not this one, or this one, how about I put these two together and you have take two, just don't take Eddie! It was here that I recognized my limitations. It is the Lord who gives and takes, not I. I have no control over who comes and who goes. My time with some people will be shorter than others for one reason or another, or even no reason at all. For me to suggest that one is mine (at least in the classroom) takes away the sovereignty of the Lord, as for what I am unable the Lord is able. Simply read about those who saw Jesus after he rose from the dead, or performed miracles. I would take that over anything I could do, but this took some time to realize.
It would be in this same week that my other kindergarten class almost drives me to the end of my rope. These kids are a year younger than Eddie and his class (about 4 years old), and simply can't avoid speaking Korean all class long. This is understandable, as they are 4 years old and Korean, so I have generally been able to put up with it, until of late. This is because as they speak Korean to one another, out of the blue, three kids will be "down and out". By this I simply mean crying. Out of nowhere! So I make the obvious conclusion that the Korean has to stop, so I ask nicely, I write names on the board (kids hate this) I take stickers away, I slam my hand down on the table and eventually I start to yell. This is my final card and I have to play it. Yelling (within reason of course, this is a kindy class) is an impulsive action when nothing else will work, so I found myself doing a lot of yelling in this class. Mostly in order to prevent an outbreak of tears and kids asking for mom (this is a business, gotta keep them happy, or at least try). Needless to say, I haven't been "loving" these kids so well in class.
So why is it that this week I have a parent approach me and thank me for how I have treated her child in this class? Why is it that the kids have been drawn to me more than ever when it feels like I have wanted to push them away as much as I can? Why do they grab my leg and never let me go?
Cause I have no idea!
It is here that I have realized my inability to love, yet the Lord undying love and grace for his people. I feel as though I have done little right to the kids, yet I am still accepted by them. I am not able to relate to them very well, yet they still love me (at least that is the impression I get). And no matter how badly I want things to be right and well, there are a few in class who will always try and change what is good and meant to be into what they want and feel is in their best interest.
No matter how frustrating this may be in class, I can only imagine how frustrated the Lord is with me, as I live in contradiction to his set out purpose, yet continue to run towards him in love and adoration of His lordship over time and everything in existence that has been, is or will be.
It has been an interesting week of thinking, realizing and understanding, and I'm sure there is plenty more to come. Afterall, this is a foreign country, and I am spending time with kids!
"O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and behold your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift my hands.
My soul will be satisfied with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
Your right hand upholds me.
Those who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouth of the liars will be silenced.
- Psalm 63
Kev
posted by Kev at 11:56 PM
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